Time's Keeper - Studley Do-Right and the Chemical Rescue
by Thewatcherobserves
Summary: In which Captain Kirk begs Dr. McCoy to render him celibate - as in no sex. Kirk/Uhura
1. Chapter 1

**Time's Keeper - Studley Do-Right and the Chemical Rescue**

by Ma Anders

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**Author's Note:**_ This is an experiment in "turnabout is fair play". This story exists in my alt-alt-universe after Uhura's future-changing encounter with the Traveler in _"Time's Keeper - Nexus of Decision"_. _

_Not buying it? Why Not?_

_If J. J. Abrams and company can decimate the Enterprise twice in three years - _as in drydock restoration_ - and almost destroy Earth twice in the same timeframe - _**as in one LARGE drill with planet-coring drill bit in place AND one LARGE AND ADVANCED star ship crashing and sliding into San Francisco**_, then I can explain Uhura's unusual facility with alien languages and cultures as tampering with the time-space continuum._

_ANYWAY..._

_This story isn't about any of the above pseudo-rant topics._

_It's about Captain James T. Kirk begging medical help from Dr. Leonard McCoy to stop him from having sex._

_This experimental piece may disappear entirely or it may stop at _**_one chapter_**_. After all, Kirk begging to be celibate is all you need, right?_

_RATING: At least teen+ for sexual themes and for the arousal jokes._

_The jokes are my favorite part..._

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**ONE**

"Jim! Grab a chair."

McCoy moved to the business side of his desk and sat down. Recognizing that the pile of PADDs, vials, hypospray containers and food remains blocked eye contact with his captain and friend, McCoy strategically swept the pile to one side with his left arm.

Kirk's anxiety came across so clearly that McCoy could almost see the letters "WTF?" written across his friend's forehead.

McCoy had waited a long time to see James T. Kirk - "Studley Do-Right" - brought to his knees on a daily basis. As the former husband of four beautiful but deadly women, McCoy recognized the symptoms. Another serial seducer of the fairer sex (although McCoy disagreed with this moniker - there was nothing fair or reasonable about his ex-wives) had fallen.

James Tiberius Kirk was whipped. And his wife did it.

"Can we close the door, Bones?"

McCoy's satisfaction at Kirk's discomfort was unbefitting one of the finest physicians in Star Fleet. McCoy didn't care; he'd waited a long time and through a LOOONG string of women to see Kirk fall this hard. Taking out his flask, McCoy leaned back in his chair and leisurely sipped his restorative.

"Give me an update, Jim. Have things gotten any better?"

"No! Dammit, Bones; I'm the ship's captain, not a cabana boy from Risa!"

Guess that meant McCoy's suggestions so far hadn't alleviated the problem, not that he'd expected them to.

"Bones, I can't keep my hands off her. I'm not sleeping and I'm leaving the bridge 4 or 5 times per shift -"

McCoy whistled unexpectedly at that admission. If Kirk was keeping that pace up daily McCoy would have to give him props - and vitamin shots. In fact, McCoy was surprised he could still walk.

"I mean, it's happening _everywhere, _Bones. Cargo bays - we've done 68 of them so far. The maintenance storage areas - Scotty heard us going at it and locked us _in_!"

Laughter erupted from the doctor, beyond his ability to control.

"I'll bet that rescue had a few eyebrows raised. Who'd you call to get you out?"

"Scotty. But he took his good old fashioned time getting there. So we had plenty of time- "

"I get the picture; have pity on the rest of us males. Continue."

"Bones, I'm beat -"

"I bet. Look whipped, too."

"BONES! I'm here for some **help! **What the hell is wrong with me?"

"How's Uhura handling this? I mean, she's almost six months pregnant with twins. This isn't uncomfortable for her?"

"No! She's part of the problem. She never says no. Never. It's like someone just gave you a table full of your favorite desserts and you have to eat them all, you can't just eat until you get tired."

"I hope you're not being literal, Jim."

"Not about the table. Wait a minute.. We did it on a Mess Hall table, I think. But the desert? Yeah. I think there was whip cream and cherries and some -"

"Jim! Enough!"

"I agree! **What the hell is wrong with me!**?"

Having savored Jim's agony long enough, McCoy sat a small device on the desk between them and slapped his comm unit.

"McCoy to Uhura!"

"Uhura, here. How can I help you, Leonard?"

"Can you come down to Sick Bay. Jim's here and I think it will help if we're all together."

Kirk's expression changed three times.

First, Kirk's face objected to including Uhura in the discussion of his arousal "problem".

Second, Kirk's face shot McCoy an "I thought you were gonna help!" look.

Lastly Kirk's panic at proximity to his wife landed on his features with an almost audible *thud* and decided to stay.

_He looks like he's about to bolt outta that door_, the doctor noted. Maybe this was more serious than McCoy thought. After all, an over-sexed Jim Kirk used to be the norm.

The smell of jasmine preceded her into the office. Kirk groaned as the front of his pants suddenly became too small. McCoy watched her easy walk across the med bay to his office. He had to admit that that walk, even when she was pregnant, could still make him wish he'd asked her out at the Academy.

"Hi, Len. Jim! Are you okay, sweetheart? What's going on?"

It took only seconds of proximity for the device on McCoy's desk to scream, flash all of its lights and die, it's final death wail reminiscent of a police car driving off a cliff with its sirens blaring. McCoy picked the dead device up, hiding his shock; it only took 12 seconds to overload its sensor.

_Poor, Jim... _McCoy couldn't believe he was saying it.

"Have a seat, hon. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good, Len, I'm really good. I'm ready for the morning sickness to be over."

"Getting enough rest?"

"I think so. The _captain_," - she emphasized, pointing at him with a hitchhiker's thumb - "modified my schedule so I get lots of naps in. What's going on? Is Jim okay?"

McCoy leaned forward to speak. Kirk's death kept her alert for any lingering side effects from the radiation poisoning or the serum from Khan's blood. McCoy didn't want her worrying and upsetting the little Kirks still riding around inside her.

"No, hon. Nothing to do with Jim's accident. Do either of you know what this is?" McCoy asked, holding up the now useless device.

Uhura shook her head "No" right away.

Kirk didn't because his eyes were firmly focused on her breasts. One of his hands absently stroked her exposed thigh below her uniform hem while the other made its way to his own -

"**Get a grip, man**! Have you ever seen one of these?"

Kirk came to long enough to shake his head - both to clear it and to indicate he had no idea what the device might be.

"It's used on Orion in the sex houses. It measures pheromone output. Helps the tourists know which pleasure houses are the most... satisfying."

He paused to make sure they were listening. Uhura's attention focused completely on the device. Kirk's returned to her breasts, her thighs and his own crotch.

"Stay with me, Jimmy!"

Again the head shake rotated Kirk's eyes in McCoy's direction.

"Follow me here: Uhura, you just broke this device. Your pheromone count is so high it killed my tester. Jim, that's what's happening to you. That's why you two have been... at it... all day every day."

McCoy's eyes shot open at Kirk's continued efforts to make contact with the pole holding up the tent in his pants.

"**Uhura!** - **_Can you do something about him_**? He can't be trying that while I'm here watching!"

"Sorry, Len..." she apologized, grabbing Kirk's hands in her own to keep them quiescent. It helped; Kirk's mouth delivered the question Uhura's head had been formulating before her efforts to keep him under control.

"We're not together all day, Bones. If we're not together, in the same room, why am I having this... problem?"

"Because you're married - and bonded to - an empathic telepath. Uhura, you told me once that you cast that Vulcan bonding spell on Kirk on your honeymoon. Did it work?"

"Yes..." she purred.

McCoy's pants got a tad tight when she smiled that way. How could one woman do that to so many guys without trying. No wonder the late Mr. Spock spent half his time on Earth growling at other men.

"So you and Kirk have a telepathic and empathic connection, right?"

"I can read him all the time - except when he's angry. He can read me during.. you know..."

"There's your problem, Jim. She's broadcasting but it's only on YOUR frequency. The pheromones went up when she got pregnant. And she's an empathic telepath. Pregnant woman have documented increases in sexual desire and arousal. You're bathing in your wife's desire to jump your bones 24 by 7."

Kirk's hands struggled to escape her tight grip. Just the discussion of sex with her had him sweating and breathing hard - not to mention tenting those tight uniform pants.

"Len, what can we do? I mean, I'm fine but Jim's not getting any sleep."

"Nothing."

That answer got the complete attention of Mr. And Mrs. Kirk.

"Nothing?" asked Mrs. Kirk.

"**NOTHING**!?" screamed Mr. Kirk.

"Anything I could give her, like the suppressors they use for Orions in transport, would cross the placenta and affect the twins. I know you don't want that. Anything I could give you, her psi talents will defeat."

"Bones, PLEASE! I need some HELP! **_I NEED SOME SLEEP, FOR GOD'S SAKE_**!"

A humble, pleading Kirk. Who would've thought he'd ever beg to be relieved of the responsibility of having sex with a beautiful woman? _All's right with the universe_, McCoy smiled.

Smiling happened so infrequently with McCoy that Kirk froze in terror.

"Here's my prescription. We have an isolation tank here. Blocks everything including psionic communications. I got it when Spock caught that virus and couldn't shield. Had half the crew swinging naked from the ceilings until we found a treatment."

McCoy flicked his eyes down to draw Uhura's attention back to Kirk's wayward hands. He'd almost released himself from the constricting pants by the time she got his hands back under her control.

"Jim, starting 5 minutes from now, you will be sleeping in the tank. You will report to Sick Bay every 12 hours until Uhura's hormones transition into the third trimester profile. By that time she'll be uncomfortable with your attentions and the pheromones should calm down. And I need you two on separate shifts; no sense tempting fate."

Kirk's relief came quickly despite his attempts to rub her hands against his crotch.

"Uhura will be needing your special gifts that last few weeks. The more sex you have with her near her due date, the easier her delivery will be. So save it up. Uhura, you think you'll be okay with him just half an Earth day?"

Smiling a naughty smile she kissed Kirk on the forehead, rising a bit less gracefully to balance her growing belly.

"I guess I'll have to make do, Len. I'll let Sulu know. When should I expect him home?"

"I'm gonna keep Studley Do-Right here a day or so and try to build his reserves back up."

"I appreciate that, Len."

The laugh his wife and best friend had at his expense would have been irritating if Jim Kirk had been awake to hear it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** _Okay. I got waay more PM traffic on this than expected. Truth be told, I thought I was pretty clear that this was a one (or no) chapter exercise._

_I do respond to pressure... and threats._

_So here's a **DRAFT** 2nd chapter and if it's cr*p I reserve the right to go back to the funny chapter and end it all there._

_Got a complaint? Write a review and I'll respond. And Guests? Please join so I know who's yelling at me._

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**TWO**

Scotty warned him; he screamed at Jim that Star Fleet's "acquisition" of his warp equations would lead to problems in the universe. Khan's jump to Q'onos from Star Fleet Headquarters had been the first indicator that Star Fleet wasn't keeping the knowledge secret enough. Now Deltan pirates had a device.

Normally a quiet and peaceful people, a legitimate Deltan pirate problem had emerged with the destruction of Vulcan. Delta IV economics depended heavily on trade with and subsidies from Vulcan. Right now every credit Vulcans could generate went into the rebuilding of its population on New Vulcan and its satellites.

Deltan diplomats came to Earth to plead for support from the Federation but there were only so many resources to go around: a Federation investment in New Vulcan would yield far larger returns than one in Delta IV.

Within a standard year of Vulcan's destruction, Delta IV had itself an efficient and effective group of pirates reeking terror on the shipping and travel lanes at the far end of the Alpha Quadrant. The Deltan government ignored the issue so long as the result brought in needed capital.

The Enterprise had been ordered to do some policing in that part of the star map with the hope of negotiating what bribe would reduce or terminate the hijackings.

Star Fleet decision makers' distance from the problem had once again created a disconnect between the intent and the result. The admiral at HQ who made the assignment never read the Federation dossier: Delta IV personnel provided over a quarter of the software engineering for Star Fleet. The pirates planted sleeper agents in the Star Fleet and Federation workforce with ease.

When your priority is exploration and first contact, openness becomes an exploitable vulnerability. As Scotty predicted, Khan wasn't the only one to get their nasty hands on that equation or plans for the portable transporter Star Fleet Intelligence Section 31 commissioned.

Access to the computers also gave the pirates additional advantages. They found the assignment of the Enterprise to deal with the issue. They noted the desire for "negotiations" with the pirates. They downloaded the plans for the Enterprise's layout.

The pirate mole surprisingly discovered that the youngest captain on the fastest and best armed ship in the fleet had been given special permission twice - first to marry his Chief Communications Officer and then to remain on active duty with her.

The Enterprise speeded into a trap laid well in advance of its arrival.

It happened so fast that the bridge crew only understood what transpired by reviewing the security vids. One minute bridge operations smoothly executed their nominal routine and the next two Delta IV pirates materialized, grabbed Uhura and disappeared.

Her abduction cleared Kirk's head as nothing had since her pheromones kicked in. Acting before anyone else he shouted for everyone to freeze while Chekov captured an emissions reading of the entire bridge. Scotty would need that to determine how they'd gotten on and off the Enterprise. Next he took a leap of faith and laid a thought repetitively in his mind.

_Nyota, if you can hear me. Find a way to call me. Call me, babe._

Scotty chugged out of the turbolift with his triage team - the Pirate Engineers (PEs) - the most adept talent on the ship at taking huge and complex problems and finding options - workable options - fast. Scotty's only complaint was that none of them drank anything stronger than soda. The five-person team had taken their name from Earth's pirates, known for their mental agility, improvisation and ability to think outside the box. Kirk hoped his pirates were better at their job than Delta IV's.

Kirk put a secure emergency call through to Admiral Nikan Matoskah asking him to contact the Enterprise ASAP from the police station near Star Fleet HQ. He used the code word they'd developed to handle Pon Farr if Spock ever experienced it away from Earth or New Vulcan. Matoskah knew Spock was deceased; he would correctly translate the code word's use as an emergency concerning Uhura.

When Matoskah's call came through, Kirk explained what they knew and asked Matoskah to do something unthinkable before Khan ripped through their lives: Kirk asked for every Deltan with access to the Star Fleet or Federation computers to be pulled until further notice. Kirk explained rapidly his confident deduction that the Star Fleet and Federation computers had been hacked from the _inside _and promised to apply his considerable talents to rectifying the problem - once he retrieved his wife. In the meantime, Kirk suggested contacting Sarek for some good ol' fashioned Vulcan programming help in cleaning the systems.

Scotty and the PEs had an answer in two hours. Fury at the confirmation of his worst nightmare made distinguishing Scotty's face from his red engineering shirt difficult. The PEs had determined that the Deltans hadn't read the schematics properly or didn't have access to the precision manufacturing necessary. The pirate portable transporter leaked a particular type of emission and would be identifiable if - Kirk corrected the word to "when" - they found Uhura. Kirk understood - they would be able to prosecute these guys. Posthumously.

In his ready room, Kirk argued with his bridge staff over the merits of seeking help from the Deltans. It took a number of heated volleys before they understood that any escalation of the crisis could end badly for Uhura and the twins. Pirates, Kirk assured them, want loot not the authorities showing up. The less the pirates knew about the Enterprise's knowledge and intentions the greater the chance of getting Uhura back alive and well.

With a basic plan in place, Sulu asked for volunteers for 16 hour shifts to ensure the most experienced staff were on duty as much as possible. Kirk experienced an emotional moment when every officer volunteered across all critical departments. The meeting ended and the bridge crew manned their stations for the first 16-hour shift.

Continuing towards Delta IV at maximum warp with the PEs scanning every part of space for a similar energy pattern, an hour into the crisis Kirk started to sweat and struggled to control the growing problem in his pants.

Uhura was nearby. She was broadcasting.

_Thanks, babe! Helps coming. You can turn that off now._

Slapping the comm unit Kirk shouted for Scotty to meet him in Sick Bay and for Bones to drop everything for a meeting there. Then, painful as it was, he ran to the 'lift hoping no one saw the big top circus tent in his uniform pants.

Sliding into Sick Bay, Kirk ran into McCoy's office. McCoy took one look at his problem and lost his temper.

"Your wife's just been kidnapped 5 feet behind your captain's chair and you're thinking about bonin' her?"

Kirk had that poker smile. There was more to this than met the eye. Kirk waved Scotty into McCoy's office before explaining.

"It's from Uhura. I thought her a message to call me. She sent me this - " he pointed down at the protrusion.

"Uh, might I get a wee bit of a recap here? Seems to me that's a rather personal SOS, Jim." Scotty said, confusion and hilarity tangled on his face.

McCoy quickly filled Scotty in on Kirk's special problem.

"Ah! Aye, I remember havin' to lock that closet. You two were a mite loud. Say, she got any sisters? I'm just checkin', Jim..." Scotty asked enthusiastically with a big grin.

"Yuck it up, Commander. My wife's out there somewhere and she's trying to tell me where to come get her. Any ideas?"

Scotty actually gave it some serious thought when he stopped laughing then slapped his comm unit.

"Mr. Chekov, can you calculate the maximum distance for the transporter devices based on their emissions profile?"

"Aye, sir."

"Good! Get with my merry pirates and see if you can give us a range estimate. Scott out!"

Scotty thought a bit more.

"Doctor, what's your estimate for the Commander Uhura's psi range?"

"We have evidence she can be heard across the quadrant," McCoy replied.

Scotty's eyes wandered before settling themselves on Kirk's pant's-based directional locator to Uhura.

"Er, cannae be possible 'at that kind of communications micht require, uh, a tad closer distance?" Scotty asked, pointing his index finger at Jim's crotch.

"Must be. I'm losing it - I mean her." Kirk noted, and sure enough, with no pole to hold it up, his pants' tent had deflated.

Discerning they were moving the wrong way Kirk commanded an All Stop to the helm.

"I got an idea." Kirk yelled to his two confused officers and took off towards the med-beds.

"Kirk to Sulu - you two, follow me!" this last to Bones and Scotty. Kirk sprinted to and jumped on the isolation bed, leaving its top open.

"Sulu here!" came the reply.

"Mr. Sulu. Mr. Chekov is working on a range calculation for the Deltan transporter device. Once he has it I want you to make a widening spiral starting from our present position to the maximum calculated transporter range moving outward in 3 degree increments. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir"

"Slow and steady as she goes. Doctor McCoy will let you know which direction to go."

First Officer Sulu hesitated, wondering why the doctor would take over navigation during the rescue.

"Aye-aye, sir"

Kirk recognized the nautical language as Sulu's way of asking 'What the HELL is going on?"

"We're close, Mr. Sulu. Just get those range numbers and start the pattern. Kirk out!"

"So why are we here?" McCoy asked, scowling at Kirk.

"I need you guys to watch for a response. I might be... distracted... when Uhura sends me the next message. We'll know we're headed the right way when -"

"Ah! When your wankpiece points the way!" Scotty finished.

For the second time this week Jim Kirk's equipment brought levity and a smile to the doctor's face.

"Bones, let Scotty calculate the directional changes while you watch for..."

"Got it. I'll watch the compass needle, Scotty will steer." McCoy snickered with Scotty joining in.

"If I didn't need you guys..."

With that settled, Jim relaxed and thought a message to his beautiful, sexy wife.

_Babe. We're coming for you. Need for you to send me a message. I need to know it's from you._

It took time but, sure as the rains in Jaipur, Kirk responded to Uhura's "message". McCoy called out whenever the change "improved" things and Scotty calculated what angle within the spiral they would follow next. Tedious as their approach was, with more than a few wrong turns, Sulu's announcement that they could see pirate vessel proved the plan worked.

_Thanks, babe. I'm gonna get angry now so I can think again._

When the thought of his wife's kidnapping came to the front of his mind, all arousal stopped immediately. Staying angry wasn't hard in this situation.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's** **Note**: _It's the best I can do without taking a YEAR to think up something funny and compelling and interesting. There's one more closing chapter and this is done._

_Hopefully this will satisfy all you closet PM'ers who've been guilting me into writing more than I had a good idea for. Shout out to Pix for public props. They are appreciated._

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**FREE**

Kirk understood the pirate mind which meant he had a plan for getting his wife back alive, in one piece and still pregnant.

Kirk's entire juvenile delinquency trained him in how lawbreakers think and act. He knew the Enterprise would be contacted and demands would be made. The Deltan pirates had good G2 data, smart enough to take the captain's _wife_ and not the captain. In this manner they sought to prevent any attack on their vessel and to reduce the legal charges if any of them were apprehended during the kidnapping; Star Fleet sentencing guidelines for kidnapping a captain ranged from 30 years to mind wiping.

While waiting for the summons to the negotiating table, Kirk prepared a few protections to ensure reestablishing communications with Uhura avoided any unnecessary distractions. Kirk also brought McCoy and Scotty to his conference room; he'd decided to conduct negotiations from there - just in case he needed help keeping focused. They discussed Kirk's plan - which had Scotty smiling in admiration that Kirk could be that devious, and covered contingencies in case things went sideways - which McCoy was convinced would happen.

Scotty had the PEs standing by in Engineering to support an immediate beam out from anywhere in the Deltan schooner when they located her. McCoy had a med staff standing by in the transporter room. Kirk assigned Chekov to man the transporter; if getting her back safely turned complicated no one would react faster and better than Chekov - not even Scotty.

When the call came, Sulu routed it directly to the conference room as they'd rehearsed and shut down all reception on the bridge.

The chief pirate identified himself as Iren - pronounced "**aye**-ren". His swagger and smile mimicked Kirk's under different circumstances; he believed he had all the aces in this betting game. Under different circumstances Kirk and this guy would have been drinking buddies; that was before Iren put his hands on Nyota Kirk.

"Captain Kirk, let's skip the formalities. We have your wife. We guarantee her safe return if you provide us what we request."

"Understood. She is untouched?"

Deltan vessels - legitimate or pirate - sailed with all-male crews to avoid trouble with the Deltans' high level emissions of pheromones. Any imbalance in the desired one-to-one ratio of women to men could leave a ship drifting in space with all crew members dying or dead.

"She has been secured with myself and five of our eldest and most restrained crew mates. She will not be touched so long as you meet our demands, although I admit she makes me want to spend time alone with her. She's a beautiful woman, captain. Especially now. I've had to discipline some of my crew regarding... access... to her."

Kirk experienced no arousal during the negotiation foreplay. Instead he contemplated what particular punishment he would unleash on Iren and how to ensure that the damage was internal with no bruises as evidence of the beating. Anyone thinking about doing the do with his pregnant wife could expect to receive Kirk's "opinion" with fists, hunting knives and phasers.

"I have a demand of my own, Iren." Kirk replied, keeping his tone murderously level.

The pirate's shocked look brought a smile to Kirk's face. He was young and inexperienced, new to this pirate game. Iren could have been Kirk when Kirk took the Enterprise from Spock. But experience and life had hardened and seasoned Kirk - not to mention his family's life was on the line. Today, Iren would get an education in brinksmanship. Having sized up the younger man, Kirk pressed his advantage.

Kirk cast his lure near his Deltan fish's mouth.

"I will meet all of your demands **_IF_** you allow me to talk to my wife while my crew and the Federation acquire your goods."

"And why should we agree?"

"Because if I cannot confirm her safety, that none of you have violated her in any manner every minute she is on your ship, I will be forced to rescue her which will leave your crew dead and will piss off my wife. She's pregnant; I try not to get on her bad side."

Iren's lack of preparation for this gambit lay bare on his face. Kirk jiggled the lure to entice his fish.

"If you doubt my resolve, access those Star Fleet computers you hacked. I'm the only officer in Star Fleet to officially return from the dead. Radiation poisoning. Nasty feeling. Yet here I sit."

A twitch. The only evidence Iren revealed in response to Kirk's announcement that he knew the Federation and Star Fleet computers had been hacked was a small twitch. If Kirk hadn't been concentrating on identifying some indication that the bait had been taken, he might have missed it himself. The stakes were too high for Kirk to miss anything.

"Let's make this easy for both sides. I get to talk to her while we do your shopping for you and you get whatever you want from the Federation."

Jiggle-jiggle. Wiggle-wiggle. Take the lure away a little bit, get the Deltan fish to follow...

"Iren, if you don't have the authority to make this deal, get me to someone who can make a decision in this century."

Further away, let the fish think it's safe to capture the bait... Back the lure up further away, and...

"Cease the psychological warfare Kirk. Your request doesn't trouble us. It will be granted."

Set the hook!

Within seconds Nyota Uhura S'chn T'gai Kirk's face appeared on the screen. She looked tired but otherwise untouched.

"She's a beautiful woman, Kirk;" Iren almost purred as his hand stroked Uhura's chin sensuously - incensing her, "she shouldn't be on a star ship. She should be somewhere safe where she can pleasure you at any time."

Iren leaned down and swept his slightly open lips and tongue across her forehead because he could; Kirk watched, seething and powerless for the moment.

"She rivals the most beautiful of our women on Delta IV. I admit I may consider keeping her even if the Federation pays. Her medical records indicate she carries twins - they are a rarity on Delta IV. She could make me a legendary figure in so many ways. Her beauty. Her multi-lingual talents - your diary mentions her talented tongue many times, Kirk. Her obvious sensual nature. Her admirable fertility. I would be included in Deltan history books with her as my wife."

Kirk fought the color rising up his neck. Her return required him to play this gambit to its last step.

"She can take care of herself, Iren. Trust me."

"By why would she need to with me as her husband, Kirk? I can take care of her needs."

Iren kissed her again then moved revealing Nyota Uhura Kirk's full face. She looked tired - he assumed they'd restrained her even though she was clearly pregnant - but otherwise unharmed and untouched except for those unwanted kisses from Iren.

"Hiya, babe." he greeted her gently and lovingly. _I love you so much, Nyota_ Kirk laid in his mind so she could read him.

"Hiya, back. You coming to get me, Jim, or is this some strange way of you getting more sleep."

Kirk let himself laugh at that and grinned back at the screen. In part he did this to let her know his relief that she was okay. He also did this to let her know he had initiated her rescue plan.

Her expression change let him know she read his grin. For not the first time he wished he weren't psi-mute.

Mostly he did this to rid himself of anger because he needed her to read him.

_Babe, can you broadcast to the Deltans like you do to me?_ he let the thought sit in his mind.

"You've been on my mind, Jim. Have you been thinking about me?"

Kirk felt his Uhura indicator in his uniform pants respond to her broadcast.

"I miss you sweetheart. Do you remember the cargo bays? C'mon Uhura. Tell me you remember. Tell me, babe."

Her eyes widened at his request. Then she smiled; she understood. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and began to speak in a sultry, musical tone.

"I didn't think we could get into that position anymore." Uhura started.

In a husky, playful alto she began to explicitly describe the way in which she and Kirk enjoyed themselves during this particular sexual episode.

Kirk groaned at her effect on him, letting her know her communications was coming through 5 by 5. Smiling at his confirmation of her efforts, she ramped up her outbound signal.

"And I didn't think you could last that long. My body..."

She chuckled as the groans came again, this time from the Deltan guards behind her. Kirk could see the Deltan tents rising in the "Uhura's Sex Ed Intro Course". She asked them to release her, telling them the restraints hurt her wrists and they did. Big mistake.

Having witnessed her ability to bring the Deltan male crew members to "attention", Kirk muted the audio on the transmission and switched to the vid he'd made earlier. Watching her abduction over and over again brought his rage back and completely blocked the effect of her broadcast on him.

McCoy and Scotty would have been court marshaled for what they were thinking. While he still controlled his own mind, McCoy inoculated himself and Scotty with the same suppressants administered to Orions and Deltans using Federation and Star Fleet transport. Despite that, both men had to mute the audio on their screen to think pure thoughts about their captain's wife. Had McCoy not been distracted lusting after Uhura, he would have realized he'd overlooked a crucial piece of the plan.

Uhura's recitation of their sexual exploits went on for over an hour. Suddenly she stopped talking to the Deltan men-at-large and spoke directly to Kirk.

"Jim? I'll be right back." and she disappeared from the console screen.

With the audio muted he missed her absence until his eyes noted her disappearance from the screen. Kirk jumped up screaming her name at the muted screen, anxiety for her and his twins eliminating any arousal, until her image smiled back on the screen. Her status reconfirmed, Kirk remembered to switch back to the live feed on his console.

"I have my communicator on. Beam me back, Captain."

"I'm on it, Captain!" Scotty shouted back to him as he scrambled to the transporter room to help Chekov. Kirk slapped the comm unit and ordered the incarceration of the pirates.

"Mr. Sulu, convene a security team to make arrests on the Deltan pirate ship."

No response.

"Mr. Sulu?"

After minutes without a response, a look of dread covered McCoy's face.

"Jim - you don't think any of this leaked through, do you? I didn't think to inoculate the rest of the crew." McCoy apologized, his error spreading across his face as a red wave of color.

"I mean, when you were havin' your problem no one else was affected. I didn't think we'd need it!" McCoy pleaded, justifying a choice he now knew to be incorrect.

Both men entered a bridge recovering from an hour of severe arousal.

Most of the male bridge officers had only one hand visible. None of them held the Enterprise's control stalks. Some had quickly persuaded friendly partners to join them under consoles and in barely hidden sconces around the bridge.

A quick call to Mr. Scott confirmed the same "challenges" in the transporter room.

On arriving at a run Scotty found poor Chekov on his back with an experienced med staff nurse introducing the Russian virgin to the finer arts of female-dominant sexual positions. The remaining med crew was relieving themselves in efficient and pleasurable ways. Scotty stepped over the bodies - without interrupting their progress - and took over the controls.

"McCoy - you're a bastard, you are. All these opportunities and you give us the damn shots!" Scotty mumbled as he transported Uhura directly to Sick Bay.

All over the ship, male crew members had found a local solution in the hands of their proximal partners - or their own.

"I better get to Sick Bay and prepare suppressant hypos - and some morning after cocktails. She's good, Jim; she's _really_ good."

With that McCoy jogged into the lift, completely missing Kirk's proud smile. Nyota Kirk was indeed "good".

Kirk spent another hour assembling a security team that was still fully clothed.

Within four hours of locating Commander Uhura the entire abduction had been resolved and no ransom had been paid.

The next play in Kirk's game plan occurred on the Deltan pirate vessel. With Iren suffering the pain of unrelieved "inflation", Kirk beamed over alone after his security team left - that is, everyone left except Cupcake, alias Lieutenant Hendorff. Cupcake had been crushing on Uhura since they both entered the Academy. She'd always treated him kindly but after her empathic emergence she had gently settled the fact that she loved him like a brother. Kirk sympathized with Cupcake; he'd been in that brother category for a while and didn't like it either.

Kirk assigned Hendorff to stand guard outside the door to the Deltan schooner's control room.

_In_ the control room, Kirk "educated" Iren about putting his hands on the best - and the finest and sexiest - Chief of Communications in the fleet. Then Kirk made a personal statement about what he did to guys who touched his wife.

When Kirk tired, he took Hendorff's phaser rifle and switched places, guarding the door while Hendorff took out on Iren his need to protect his unrequited crush.

Iren bled a lot in learning these lessons but no bruises were visible when Iren was clothed in his uniform.

Back on the Enterprise, the report to Star Fleet noted the Deltan captain's resistance to the arrest and the subsequent need to subdue him forceably. Kirk and Hendorff shared a drink before Kirk escorted Uhura home from Sick Bay.

Kirk's personal antenna, and ONLY Kirk's, extended to its full length and thickness as soon as he saw his wife.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**: _I give up; this is_ **THE END**. THE **LAST** CHAPTER.

_Hope you enjoyed it. Tell your friends and send the URL so they can read it. _

_Why, you ask?_

_Because this one really _**_HURT_**_ to write... _

_Had to drown my brain in root beer and some brown stuff that smelled like medicine and burned all the way down... I never intended to write anything past Chapter One. _

_Please write _REVIEWS_ even if you only write the two words "This SUCKS". If you actually like anything after you read it completely, sign up for FanFiction and FAV this story._

_Because this one really _**_HURT_**_ to write..._

* * *

**FORE**

"Grab a chair."

His patient's discomfort shocked McCoy as did the clear fatigue.

"Can we close the door?" McCoy heard.

Returning his flask to the drawer, McCoy leaned forward focusing his attention, concern lining his face.

"Give me an update. Have things gotten any better?" the doctor asked.

"No. And I'm exhausted from the effort "

Guess that meant McCoy's suggestions so far hadn't alleviated the problem, not that he'd expected them to.

"I'm not sleeping and I'm leaving the bridge 4 or 5 times per shift -"

McCoy whistled unexpectedly at that admission. This had to stop; it just wasn't healthy.

"I'm really beat... I'm here for some help. What's wrong with me?"

"This isn't uncomfortable, all this... activity? Do you ever get the answer 'Not tonight'?" McCoy asked, typing notes into the file.

"No! That's part of the problem. It's NEVER 'Not Tonight'. Any idea what to do about this!?"

Once again, McCoy sat a small device on the desk and slapped his comm unit.

"McCoy to Kirk!"

"Kirk, here. What's up, Bones?"

"Can you come down to Sick Bay. Uhura's here and I think it will help if we're all together."

_She looks like she's about to bolt outta that door_, the doctor noted.

An over-sexed Jim Kirk became the norm once again. He slid into Sick Bay on the hop.

"Hey, Bones! Nyo! Are you okay, babe? What's going on!?"

It took only seconds of proximity for the device on McCoy's desk to scream, flash all of its lights and die, it's final death wail reminiscent of an ambulance crashing into a brick wall with its sirens slowly dropping in pitch and speed of 'whooping' until it fell silent. McCoy picked the dead device up, unsurprised at the result; it only took 45 seconds to overload its sensor. Jim's wife retained the record; she broke it in 12 seconds before the abduction.

"Have a seat. How are you feeling?"

"I'm good, Bones. Why?"

"Getting enough rest?" McCoy asked, observing Jim Kirk carefully.

"Why wouldn't I? What the HELL is going on!? Is Nyota okay - is something wrong with the twins!?"

"No. Nothing to do with the twins. You know what this is." McCoy stated, holding up the now useless device.

Kirk shook his head "Yes" right away.

Uhura didn't because her eyes were firmly focused on his crotch. One of her hands absently stroked his inside thigh while the other made its way to her own -

"**Hon - not here**!"

Uhura shook her head to clear it.

"Before the abduction we used this to measure Uhura's pheromone output."

Uhura's attention and hands returned to Jim's crotch. Jim grabbed her hands in his and looked an apology at McCoy.

Again, a head shake rotated Uhura's eyes in McCoy's direction.

"Follow me here: Kirk, you just broke this device. Your pheromone count is so high it killed my tester - which actually doesn't surprise me since I was your roommate for 3 years. I don't know what happened on that Deltan pirate ship but you've switched. Uhura? - now Jim's blasting you 24 x 7, hon."

McCoy's eyes shot open at Uhura's continued efforts to stimulate Jim through his uniform pants.

"**Jim!** - **_Can you do something about her_**? She can't be trying that while I'm here watching!"

"Sorry, Bones..." he apologized, grabbing Uhura's hands carefully again in his own to keep them quiescent.

Her hands struggled to escape his tight grip. Just the discussion of sex with him had her bothered and panting - not to mention dampening the nether regions of that maternity uniform skirt.

"Bones, is she third trimester yet? As long as it's okay for her, I'm okay keeping her happy."

"She is. Uhura, honey? You want to spend some time in the tank?"

"Leonard, I could really use some sleep**_._**" she answered wearily, at which both men grinned sympathetically.

"Here's my prescription. You will report to Sick Bay every 12 hours until you go into labor. Sooner if you need a nap."

McCoy flicked his eyes down to draw Jim's attention back to Uhura's wayward hands. She'd almost released Jim from his uniform pants by the time he got her hands back under her control.

"Jim, I'll need you two to spend some quality time together when she's awake and rested until she delivers. It will help keep her toned for the twins. Uhura, you think you'll be okay with that?"

She nodded her agreement, still gazing longingly at Jim's crotch.

Smiling a naughty smile, Jim kissed Uhura on the forehead and lovingly rubbed her swollen belly.

"I guess I'll have to make do, Bones. I'll let Sulu know. When should I pick her up?"

"I'm gonna keep her here a day or so. I don't want those little girls she's carryin' here a minute before they're ready."

"I appreciate that, Bones. Take care of her. Grayson and I will be by to get her tomorrow. Don't worry Ny, Grayson and I will do some male bonding stuff."

Despite her arousal, her eyes narrowed to slits thinking of the mischief Jim Kirk and his son could get into while she slept.

"Behave, Jim! I mean it!" she warned him before rising awkwardly, with his help, and following him to the tank.

Assisting her and that belly into the tank, he kissed her passionately, provoking a deep and sensual moan from her, until Bones separated them and closed the doors.

Whistling, Jim Kirk hustled down the hall to pick his son up from school.

_Turnabout is fair play, Ny..._ Jim thought with a chuckle.

Nyota Kirk would have protested - if she'd been awake.


End file.
